


Strings on a Demigod

by Mogoona3000



Category: Iron Man (Comics), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, POV Pepper Potts, Pepperony pining, Pre-Iron Man 1, There is a brief Irondad line in this, Tony Stark Has A Heart, and I hope you catch it when it comes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 08:54:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24967048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mogoona3000/pseuds/Mogoona3000
Summary: Tony Stark is far too damaged to pretend that he isn't, but he plays the part well.Pepper watches.And knows.—A pre-Iron Man to Endgame one shot from Pepper’s eyes on the life of Tony Stark
Relationships: James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark, Pepper Potts & Tony Stark
Comments: 10
Kudos: 27





	Strings on a Demigod

**I.**

“You’re the one that found the error?”

“Yes, sir.” 

At her response, he reclines against his chair in an artful slouch, his eyes fixed on her across his desk. It is her first time being in such close proximity for such a long period of time before him. His eyes are traitors; it’s the first thing she notices. Big and brown. Telling, bright, and currently assessing.

“Did you find anything else?”

She shakes her head before she responds, “I did not.”

“How much?”

She looks down at the spreadsheet in her hand, then back at him, saying, “seven million.”

“Who approved it?”

“You did, sir.”

It’s Leah’s voice that climbs back into her thoughts, with the same tone and volume that was used when she attempted to prepare her for the apparent force that was Tony Stark. She doesn’t let it distract her. 

Without another word, he sits up with his hands together, elbows on his desk and looks off to the side in visible thought. It’s a riveting feeling standing before him when her coworker had advised her that was the last thing she should be doing. Leah followed close behind when she was making her way to his office to bring up the error found in the revisions to be finalized tomorrow. _Everyone makes mistakes, Leah. It’s no big deal_ but apparently it was because _he’s not “everyone,” Virginia. He’s_ Tony Stark _, a god amongst us peasants. You’re really going to go in there and tell the smartest man on the_ planet _that he made a mistake in his calculations? He’s too arrogant to take criticism. He could fire you!_

She saved the company 7 million dollars, even if that seems like a penny to the billions. Besides, she doesn’t have to agree with him to appreciate his brilliance. Even half gods made mistakes in their time. 

He taps his fingers against the table and when he refocuses on her, a curious look takes over his features.

“Miss..”

“Potts,” she supplies.

“Potts,” he nods, “I have a proposition.”

**II.**

After a week of background checks, protocols to follow, NDAs and more protocols, Virginia is stepping into the Stark Mansion on her first day as Mr. Stark’s PA. The place is very open, and the light finds its way inside with ease. It is a pleasant surprise to see that Mr. Stark has excellent and, of course, extravagant taste as she takes in the décor and the ambient music playing overhead.

“JARVIS, don’t be rude. Say hello to Pepper.”

“‘Pepper?’” she asks as she follows behind him.

Mr. Stark turns around and shares a casual shrug, sniffs and continues to walk over to the grand piano, leaving her in the center of the living room. When he sits on the stool before the instrument, he turns his body to face her and makes a general gesture toward his face. “Freckles.”

The surge of fondness that gently tugs at the corner of her lips is involuntary and she is sure it has everything to do with the half that is entirely from above doing a number on her. 

“I like the freckles,” he says in a breath and turns to the keys, opens the lid and begins to play. 

**III.**

It takes a full year for Pepper to accept what she unveiled during the first two months of working up close and personal with The Great Tony Stark. He doesn’t have a clue but Pepper knows. She knows who the ghost is, and she pieces things together to understand how it managed to shape Tony into something he doesn’t think he needs to overcome. He doesn’t know that he can be more than what he was forced to become. 

A masquerade would be too dull for his taste. It leans more towards a carnival. Boldly, Pepper deems it to be something akin to Halloween. Masks and ghosts, ghouls under the bed of a man who unknowingly wants nothing more than acceptance from someone that will never deliver, someone who, Pepper is certain, had the chance to do so and looked the other way instead. 

**IV.**

When it’s time to remodel in the east side of the mansion, Pepper supervises the cleanup of Tony’s room, making sure everything is accounted for and handled properly. The old shoebox that is found in the closet when things are being removed to be temporarily stored calls her attention, and responding to it, she takes it in her hands and holds it throughout the duration of the cleanup. When she is doing the final call after triple checking everything is in order, she dismisses the crew and before she can make an exit herself, she decides it is best to leave the box in a place only Tony can access. So in his absence, something she has never done, she makes it down to his shop. 

It doesn’t take much for her to know this is important. Can’t risk it being in the wrong hands, so the shop is best. 

Halfway down the stairs, her left heel breaks and the box goes flying out of her hands as she chooses to save herself from a very painful fall. She swears under her breath and goes to take off her shoes. With a frustrated groan, she goes to pick up the items splattered all over the bottom of the stairs and her heart almost jumps out of her chest. 

Birthday cards, dusty, old photographs of a young Tony Stark is what she sees. In the one where he is sporting his Captain America costume, he couldn’t have been older than 5 years old. His eyes are bright and young and there’s a bruise around his chin. The sight causes a knot to form in her throat, her heart dropping to her stomach because she can’t stop staring. Tony smiles with his entire face and her eyes water when she picks up the birthday cards; she doesn’t read any of them and conforms to seeing who they are from instead. Majority seem to be from Jarvis and his mother. The ones signed by both his parents were entirely orchestrated by his mother alone, Pepper can tell. And if she can tell, so can Tony. 

An anger that floods her from head to toe releases her suppressed tears as she decides to put everything back. How unfair, to live with a traitor to everything he swore to become, someone that was supposed to protect and nurture those under his wings. What a legacy to leave behind: a surplus in both money and trauma.

A pain Tony is blindly dealing with that seems to be nameless. Pepper though, knows its full government. She’s known for quite some time. 

She sits at the bottom of the stairs for a while, holding the box to her chest, staring neither here nor there. 

**V.**

Around 7:30 in the morning, on December 16, 2005, it is Colonel Rhodes that finds Tony unconscious on the bathroom floor. With fibs regarding important things he insisted Tony and he go over the very next day, he was able to spend the night. Pepper knew what he was doing and this time, so did Tony, even if he pretended he didn’t. So when she hears him shouting for her, it isn’t surprise but dread that comes over as she is rushing up the stairs while JARVIS explains the situation. His screams frantically go from Pepper’s to Tony’s name and her heart hammers against her chest at the speed of light when she enters the bathroom, falling to her knees and cradling his head as Rhodes stands to start the shower. Between panicked questions and trying to wake him, trying to figure out what happened, they talk over each other and Pepper begins to shake. She only notices it when she is hitting Tony’s cheek, but nothing happens. His eyes don’t open. JARVIS says he’s breathing before Pepper can speak, Rhodes instructing JARVIS for medical assistance a second time. 

“ _They’ve been called, Colonel Rhodes. ETA is 6 minutes._ ”

She shakes so fervently that as she desperately asks Tony if he can hear her, for a moment she thinks he’s nodding but it’s her shaking hands causing the illusion as they go on either side of his face. Rhodey gets the shower going, and picking him up like paperweight, he brings him into the tub. Pepper joins them inside, fully clothed and calling for him, trying to get him to _wake up, Tony. Please. It’s Rhodey. Pepper’s here. Hey, Tony, can you hear us? Tony!_

The water is frigid and if it’s even possible, it makes her shake even more while hiding her tears, tears over a half man-half god who doesn’t understand his own power, who abuses the questions of his immortality, believing he doesn’t deserve it anyway. 

Tears for a man who doesn’t wake for another 23 seconds. 

Later, when he refuses to get help in any sort of way after he’s checked out, and the medics leave after NDAs and everything in the book regarding the privacy of the situation, Pepper is dried and in the comfort of an ensemble of sweats and a hoodie, courtesy of Tony Stark, from Cambridge’s MIT. Even in the warmth, her hands continue to shake, subtle but shaking nonetheless so she crosses her arms across her chest. To hide them, to stop them as she watches Tony assure and promise things once Rhodes is done saying his piece. 

He assures he didn’t mean for it to go that far, reminds Rhodes that he hasn’t slipped since graduation night. He promises that he won’t go near it again. Rhodes doesn’t say anything as he sits bedside, his eyes not leaving Tony for a second as he speaks from his bed. He looks small, young even, and tired as he’s swathed in his white blankets. His hair is askew and his eyes are sunken. He looks to Pepper at Rhodes’ silence and she swallows thickly when he does, because she can’t seem to get the image of him on the floor, unmoving. 

“I’ll be right back.” Rhodes steps out of the bedroom, a strain in his voice and his shoulders tense. 

The longer Pepper stares the faster the tears gather. 

“I promise.”

She purses her lips and exhales through her nose. She shares nothing.

“I deserve that.” His voice is small but with conviction, almost daring her to say otherwise.

The layered words are clear, but she can’t figure out what he refers to in that moment. Knowing him, it’s both her silence and the way he self-destructs. 

_No, you don’t_.

“I don’t have anything to say,” she says instead, “Rhodes covered all of it.”

Tony tilts his head slightly to the side, eyes wrinkling at the corner when he grins at her. The sorrow in his eyes doesn’t let the thin lipped-smile shine as it should. 

“You’re mad.”

“Not anymore.”

“You hate me.”

She does but not for the reasons she is sure he’s thinking of. She rolls her eyes with a small shake of her head and says, tired herself, “I save that emotion for the things that deserve it.” And she manages a soft smile to back her claim. 

His eyes accompany his toothy grin this time around. 

  
  


**VI.**

Tony keeps his promise with its technicality intact. He does not drown in white flakes or any of the sort, but instead chooses to escape the unavoidable in small pools of burning amber, setting his throat aflame while his mind refuses to burn all it carries. Pepper watches, the strings around Tony’s limbs tight and seeming permanent as he tiptoes to please a memory. At times, she thinks it’s all just a move in desperation, becoming nothing more than a replica so that the ghosts around him release him in approval and pats on the back full of “well done, son” he has never experienced. 

Pepper watches as Tony misses the loophole in the contract he’s bound to. The control of the strings were handed to him so abruptly, without his knowledge of them ever being there in the first place. Unaware of their existence, the more he pulls and moves about to please its deceased puppet master, the one around his neck tightens. Even half deities fail at summoning their confidence and power to break bondage, and even if there aren’t any for the sake of example, there is always a first time. And that first timer has been deemed to be Tony Stark. 

She watches how he tightens the string in ignorance with his own self-harm. He makes his role worthwhile when he’s sure the audience is captivated and the crowds flash him with praise through a lens, with flashes of hatred and devotion; he welcomes it all the same, groveling across fields brimming in both adoration and detest and reaching the end of it still starving.

Pepper watches as the man playing this tiring role disappears from short periods of time to short periods of time. The dressing room is empty; all the masks are left behind when Rhodey is backstage, always waiting, always accepting. Always ready to put him in his place because no one plays the role of best friend as well as Col. James “Rhodey” Rhodes. It’s a marvelous sneak peak to who he really is because it’s the only time Tony realizes he’s jaded from it all, and he’s been desperate to go off script and cut straight to the intermission. 

The writing is pretty redundant even in all his Tony Stark impulsive unpredictability. It can be hard to read at times. Still, even then, Pepper can read it. 

**VII.**

Almost after every curtain call, Tony graces one of his followers to accompany him back into his dressing room. Pepper hasn’t figured out how that particular VIP access leaves her with a subtle but very real bad taste in her mouth. 

  
  


**VIII.**

Tony hires Happy Hogan as his bodyguard during the summer of 2006. It’s a good call on his part. They spend a lot of time in the ring, training and passing the time, beating out demons through choreographed and acceptable violence. She hopes it cuts down the time spent at the end of a bottle. 

  
  


**IX.**

The subtleties, the glances, the common yet unspeakable knowledge of what the lingering stares mean, the borderline incessant pining does not nor will ever be enough for her to run with for the rest of her life. So she goes on the blind date her mother sets up for her all the way from New Jersey, and tries to enjoy the company of a great guy who is the second cousin of her mom’s best friend’s friend from college. 

The place is crowded in a way that fits the ambience. It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon in Malibu, California and sitting outside while snacking on appetizers and sipping margaritas goes rather well. Julian has two nieces and his eyes don’t speak for him in ways she’s used to when they look into hers. 

After placing an order for a second round of refreshments, he excuses himself to go to the restroom and as if rehearsed, Happy is walking up the steps, making way for Tony so that he can get past the crowd of people too engulfed in their good times to pay him any mind. Before Happy reaches the doors, Tony spots Pepper to his right and at the sight, he abandons Happy to his fate, who now has to make haste around the crowd so that he’s in close proximity to Tony. Happy struggles to get through while Tony saunters to her with ease. The crowd opens up uncannily similar like the waters parted for Moses as he makes his way to her. She cannot help but be thoroughly amused by it.

All it does is make sense, really. The space suddenly becomes unpleasantly crowded, even as they sit outside. But Tony, Pepper has noticed, has a knack for reducing rooms to their simplest forms, no matter what their purposes were before he entered them. They become nothing but walls that are containing him from shining through when he’s present. 

“Ms. Potts,” he greets when he stands before her, “mind if I..?” he then asks, pointing to the empty seat across from her. He doesn’t wait for an answer as he makes himself comfortable either way. 

She looks up at Happy, greeting him with a smile and a hello, and then turns back to Tony when Happy takes his stance with his back to them and focuses on the job. 

To her horror, she realizes the thrill with a teasing Tony Stark arrives in full while it seems to be nothing but a small flame the entire time she has been with Julian. _Not to fear_ , she begins to reason with herself, _these things take time_ , so maybe in due time she can eradicate the way she finds herself feeling about Tony. 

“So,” he sniffs, “what brings you here?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

Tony blinks. 

In mild resignation, she answers, “I’m on a date.”

“Are we, now?” He leans back on the seat when he speaks, a small grin on his lips and the sunglasses coming off when he does it. 

“Indeed.”

“Do we like him? What’s his name?”

“We’re not doing this.”

“Come on!” he chuckles out. 

“Why do you wanna know his name?” she asks, the amusement behind her tone as blatant as his. His eyes gleam and Pepper wonders if Tony, in all his small “g” godliness, can control his powers on command. 

“I’m gonna look him up,” he blithely says with a shrug. 

“No,” she says, picking up her glass, “google your own guy.”

It’s a light chuckle that he gives in response, and Pepper smiles into her drink when she sips it. The pining and the stares and the tension between them might be something she basks in at her leisure and private thoughts, but their friendship, being exercised right now, is what pulls at her heartstrings.

“I sure thought I was overworking you but apparently I was wrong if you have time to date.”

“Oh, you do overwork me.”

“Not by the looks of this.”

She exhales through her nose, and glares at him, the adoration certainly spelled all over her face as much as she tries to suppress it. Tony leans forward with his hands together and intrigued, eyes wide and lashes that should be illegally long, he softly inquires, “who is he?”

She stays quiet, feigning annoyance and ignoring the way she can hear something other than curiosity in his question.

“I’m trying to figure that out.”

“There’s a code.” His posture remains the same though his voice changes, a bit more playful.

“A code?”

“A friendship code you’re breaking by not telling me who this mystery guy is, Potts. Don’t be that friend.”

“You’re something else,” she says in a breathy laugh while scratching her forehead. Floating on the easiness and familiarity that is being around Tony Stark, she shakes her head, biting down her smile. 

“ _Mais c’est vrai, mon amie_.”

“I’m not—there’s no _code._ ”

“ _Je suis sûr qu’il y en a un._ ”

“You’re mistaken.”

Undeterred, he quiets with expectant eyes in the same unmoving posture. A small groan escapes her because when has she ever been able to deny Tony Stark anything and sleep to tell the tale. 

“He’s a family friend.”

“You can do better than that. C’mon.”

With a big roll of her eyes, she says, “he’s the second cousin of my mom’s best friend’s friend from college.”

“That’s a mouthful. Is he nice? Treating you okay? Think you’ll let him get lucky?”

“Don’t you have something to do? Food to pick up?”

“That’s a yes,” he says, and sits up with a mocking shock while theatrically pressing his hands against his chest. 

“Good Lord,” she genially hisses with a shake of her head when she leans forward, the hint of a smile too sweet on her lips.

Tony laughs, his eyes fixed on hers while his shoulders shake in his moment of fun. And, inevitably, like every other time, it comes to an end and they are left to each other’s eyes. Like every other time, they don’t make a move to look away. Never right away, anyway. She can hear it in the silence, the way he knows. 

“Well, Ms. Potts,” he says in an exhale, breaking the connection and picking up his sunglasses off the table. Just like that, it all dissolves into the reality of their situation. He puts on his glasses, sniffs and wishes her good luck. 

She gives him a headnod in gratitude and before he stands, he says, “you better call me post-coital.”

“For crying out loud—” she drops her forehead into her palm in feigned exasperation, latching onto the bait and taking advantage of the safe passage away from the loudest unspoken things. 

“I’m serious,” he tells her, standing from the seat. 

“You’ve got to go,” she tells him in return, each word loaded through soft giggles as he stands before her. He’s utterly ridiculous. 

He walks away, gifting her a smile in his wake. She watches Happy manage as best as he can through the crowd back to the entrance of the restaurant, and as the door opens, Julian steps out. He makes his way around Happy and Pepper puts her head down when Tony glances her way. Because why wouldn’t Julian be coming out right at that moment? Luckily, he doesn’t seem to recognize Tony and casually begins walking back to the table. She dares look that way again and has to cover her lips to hide her amusement when she smiles at Tony’s thumbs up along with a big “ _nice!_ ” mouthed in approval. 

A while later, Pepper catches Tony leaving with two girls, not sparing a single glance her way as Happy escorts them to the car. The next morning, when Tony is already in his workshop, she has his guests’ clothes dry cleaned and a car ready to take them wherever they wish to go.

  
  


**X.**

The eve of his mother’s birthday, Tony spends the majority of his afternoon playing the piano. He gives Pepper the rest of the evening off and she reluctantly takes it but she returns an hour and a half later with excuses about her forgetfulness betraying her. They are ready and rehearsed, but they are never put to use because in the kitchen, against the refrigerator, Tony is sitting on the ground, barefoot in the same AC/DC t-shirt and jeans she left him with. This time, there’s a bottle hanging loosely at the grip of his hand.

Without saying anything, Pepper kneels before him aching at the sight of his blotchy face, of his desolation and brokenness. He doesn’t speak when he faces her but his eyes, good heaven, is all she needs to see to know where his mind is. The unshed tears and glassy stare create a knot in her throat, and if he asks, she’s ready to make all the bad things go away. She gently takes the bottle from his hand, grateful that he relents without struggle and sets it aside. Daring in her momentum to comfort him, she brings her shaking hands close to his face and pushes back a few stray hairs that fall against his forehead. It’s wildly unkempt, like he pulled it in her absence, and she can see its actual length when it isn’t gelled back. His tears finally fall when he closes his eyes at the touch. 

How vivid it must all still be for him to collapse at the mere remembrance of one of them. It rattles her how his mother’s memory brings out his grief like a tsunami, days going by with his mind running a mile a minute until the earthquake caused by that marathon is big enough to create such force that drags him into this. His mother, his means of catharsis while his father consumes him from the inside out. 

Pepper sees it now. She sees how his mother is a pathway to possible peace while his father’s haunting voice wraps the strings around him and steals all possibility of ever stepping into the light. 

She takes a seat beside him, shoulders brushing in the silence. Tony doesn’t protest, and she takes it as a welcome. 

“What was your mother like?” she quietly asks, turning to face him as he stares straight ahead, looking at nothing in particular. 

Pepper has never seen Tony face his pain so forward. She has witnessed all of his stages, all his ploys, with all of his masks. Each and every one of them is present so that he doesn’t become what he is on his kitchen floor, bare and open, knowing. Because that’s when Pepper realizes that, maybe, just maybe he knows. The way he has crashed pushes all the doubt she had of his ignorance. It is irrefutable. 

Succinctly, and almost in a breathless awe, he says, “she loved me.” When he turns to face her, a bit more present, his lower lip trembles as he repeats it. It is so minuscule that she almost misses it when it happens. “She loved me.” And this time, he speaks with effort, trying not to crack under the weight of all he is feeling. 

It breaks her heart without notice when she hears him, and worried to say the wrong thing, she settles for holding his hand in a grasp that hopefully reveals her unconditional support, her shoulder and ear for him to lean on if he ever wanted to make use of them. But he doesn’t do anything, and Pepper’s tears fall in the silence of Tony’s pain. 

They sit there for a long moment, silent sobs making his shoulders shake as he muffles his cries behind his hand. He tumbles after another while, out of exhaustion of existence or in desperate need to be held, Pepper has no idea but she holds him against her either way. And at the gesture, Tony yells, gripping onto her shirt with such strength there’s an audible rip. She shuts her eyes. It’s all she can offer in the moment as he goes limp against her in his exhaustion, though his sobs are unyielding. She is at his side until there is nothing left in him to let go of. 

He sleeps until noon the next day and Rhodey has taken the day to come and spend it with him. 

“I’m thinking about therapy,” he mentions as he takes a bite of his toast. His tone is light but she doesn’t miss the undercurrent of tension in it. 

Pepper stills for a moment as she sets the jug of water in the center of the island and gives Rhodey a discreet side glance at the same time he does it towards her. He sets the butter down and quietly takes his seat. Pepper lifts her head to look at Tony, both hands against the counter once she’s done with the finishing touches of setting the table.

“Yeah?”

He nods to Rhodey’s words, swallowing his bite and then bringing the glass of water to his lips. She doesn’t say anything and has to refrain from gasping when she sees it, clear as day, the string around his neck thinning. 

Months later, when he’s so drunk he can’t make it to his room and Pepper has to help him up the stairs, she wonders had she said something during breakfast that time he brought up seeking help, if he would’ve gone through with it. Would he have at least given it more thought if she would’ve been more vocal when she had gone down to his shop a week later? Finding him equally dedicated to both his brilliance and his liquor? 

He had dismissed it so quickly when she mentioned having found a place at the time, so she didn’t push. She simply stared at him, watched him scold DUM-E, and began to head to the door.

“That’s not the way dad handled things,” he had said with his hands occupied and his eyes fixed on what he was working on, stopping her before she made her exit. 

Pepper had tried to say something in response to that but the venom that had accumulated for Howard Stark would’ve been too much of a give away and she couldn’t afford jeopardizing the chances Tony wanted to seek outside of his detrimental habits. So she said nothing, gave him one last look and walked out. 

With a grunt, Tony falls back against his bed and begins to laugh. It’s soft and derived from his state, but the bitterness is all she hears. 

“‘M counting the days,” he manages to say as she comes back from his bathroom with two aspirins to set on his night table. 

She says nothing. 

“‘M gonna be very sad..when you leave me, Ms. Potts.” He slurs through his giggles and then, she stares at him as he sighs with a grin on his lips and eyes closed, back against his bed and his arms spread out. “Thank you,” he whispers.

Tired of so many things, she makes sure he’s on his side before she leaves. Unable to think, not really wanting to, she exits the room. 

Tony doesn’t bring up therapy again. He never goes. 

  
  


**XI.**

There are two pregnancy scares in 2007. Tony panics on both occasions, but no Stark heirs come forth. Julian and Pepper don’t work out. Tony’s still upset about Pepper never calling him to chit chat about her boy troubles. 

“Maybe if you would’ve asked your friend—I meant _me—_ for advice you wouldn’t be dealing with any of this, Ms. Potts. No, don’t even. You so did! The code—! _Yes_ , the code _exists_. _Tul'as cassé!_ ”

  
  


**XII.**

It isn’t when he is being Tony Stark and exercising his brilliance, his charisma, his big brown eyes that speak before he does. It’s when she sits in the living room with him, going over this year’s quarters to see what needs to change for the next one because _Tony, if you don’t do this now, it’ll be chaos—no. We have to do this now if you want all your funding and foundations to receive payments. I know you do, but in order for your donations to clear,_ you _need to clear the path in order for that to happen. Correctly, Tony. A few hours, yes. Well, it takes time to do things right, Mr. Stark. No, I do not care about any of that, yes you can toss it. Coffee, you got it. Ten minutes, Tony._

There. 

When he brings back refreshments, sets a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a plate for her on her side of the table. 

There. 

He stands before her and she is looking up at him as she holds her cup while he pours juice into it. He spares her a glance and a warm smile, and that’s when it swallows her whole and she feels it resonating within her. _I love you._ It feels so tangible and persistent against her chest, a rush and then right in her heart a warm presence makes itself at home. She brings her glass to her lips as soon as he’s done pouring. 

  
  


**XIII.**

“When I come back, we’ll throw a party and everything. The whole nine.”

Pepper smirks as she hands him the keys to his car when he stops at the front door of the mansion. 

“I don’t need a party, thank you. You’ve already bought me a present, remember?”

He smirks. Pepper can’t look away. 

When Happy walks in announcing he is ready, Pepper directs him to Tony’s luggage and suit, instructing on how to handle it so there are no wrinkles at the time of usage.

“Don’t have a party without me. JARVIS will tell me if you do, won’t you, Jay?” 

_“I would very much like to be excluded from this particular conversation, sir.”_

“Traitor,” he murmurs and Pepper loves him. That’s all she can come up with in that moment. 

She’s going to miss him but that’s for her and her alone to know. 

“Will that be all, Mr. Stark?”

He puts on his glasses because at some point he’s got to go and someone has to look away.

“That will be all, Miss. Potts.”

At dinner with her friends, she pushes back the thought of Tony Stark and everything related to him. She’s off the clock. She should ask for a raise with how much space he takes up in her head even when he’s not around. Very much like an omnipresent deity. She wants to scream.

“So, Josh liked New York then?”

Leah nods with a smile on her face as Carmen returns to the table from her trip to the ladies’ room. “We found an apartment and plan to be there within the next three months.”

“Leah, for goodness sake. Tell her the real news.”

Carmen takes her seat, placing the napkin back on her lap and taking a sip from her glass of wine. Pepper sets her knife and fork down, swallowing her bite of food as she suspiciously looks Leah’s way. 

“It’s Virginia’s _birthday_ , Carmen.” She says it with a bite, giving her a lot more sting with the look that accompanies it. Carmen rolls her eyes and then drops a deadpanned gaze towards Pepper. 

She looks between her two friends, worried and curious now. 

“Yes, and because it’s my birthday, I think you should tell me what’s going on. Right now.”

Carmen looks at Leah all smug, with a smirk that screams _I told you so_. “Tell her.”

Leah takes her seltzer and sips it and suddenly, Pepper knows. Her eyes grow twice their size and she almost snaps her neck when she looks at Carmen, who is nodding with enthusiasm and a smirk in her direction.

“You’re pregnant?!” 

She smiles with her whole face at the question and Pepper has to fight the urge to leap across the table and hug her. 

“Oh, my gosh!”

And they all break into laughter because Pepper is genuinely freaking out, her eyes watering when Leah is wiping away her own tears. 

“Happy birthday, auntie Giny,” Leah says through her giggles as they’re coming down from their excitement. 

“I can’t top that present,” Carmen says into her glass and they all break into laughter again. 

Pepper must admit that Carmen does top Leah’s news because when they return to Pepper’s apartment for more dessert, her mother is in the kitchen surrounded by pastries and a little breathless smile as she wipes her hands against the apron she wears. Pepper rushes to her, colliding against her in a bone crushing hug. Her undoing is sudden; it only grasps her attention because she doesn’t know if it’s her mother’s soft chuckle, the wine, or the way she wants to tell her about Tony’s departures over time having made her into a tractable school girl in love with the senior boy in her art class.

“Oh, sweetie,” her mother sweetly coos as she reaches to swipe at Pepper’s tears. 

When her mother tells her of Carmen’s idea with Leah’s backing to fly her out West for Pepper’s birthday weekend, her tears come forth again, along with laughters and tipsy giggles denying being so. 

It’s when the girls leave, bellies full of homemade pastries, that Pepper places her head on her mother’s lap like she did when she was younger when she wanted a story before bed. It’s strange having the script flipped but mom wants to know what’s been going on with her and mom deserves to know as much. She can trust her. She needs to tell someone before she’s unable to wake up due to the weight of her chest pinning her down. 

“I knew.”

“You did? I just told you. How could you have known already?” Pepper’s eyes are closed as she cozies up under the blanket. This couch has never been so comfortable. 

“Under the bite of your annoyance when you talk about him. It’s there. And it sounds mutual by what you’re telling me.”

She shakes her head, the mixture of sleep and champagne pulling her closer towards unconsciousness. 

“Maybe but..I don’t know,” she sighs, the comfort and easiness of the conversation so pleasant, she can’t help but smile. 

“He’s protecting you.”

Pepper pretends she doesn’t hear it and decides to fall into the trance, falling asleep well into her pretense.

Two days later, Rhodey calls. There was an ambush. Tony's missing.

Pepper does nothing but cry on her mother’s lap that day, sobbing and unconsolable until exhaustion forces her to stop. Her mother tells no stories.

  
  


**XIV.**

Rhodey checks in with her periodically. Two and half months into his search, he calls. She answers with her hope still standing, even if she hasn’t been able to physically do so in the past 75 days. 

“I’m listening,” is the first thing she says when she answers, everything coming to a halt. From folding her laundry to her own breathing. 

“Hey, Pepper.” He sighs on the other line. She hears how tired he is.

“Hi.”

And the silence lingers, and the words are stuck in her throat, and it starts to burn from holding back her cries that seem to be a reflex, to the point she doesn’t remember what it’s like to not feel this way all the time. 

“I can’t find him.” His voice crumbles toward the end, full of frustration and panic. It’s the first time she’s heard him like this and it makes Pepper’s knees buckle, not that they’ve been steady either way. 

She caves to the hollow in her chest and lets gravity guide her to her bedroom floor. She wants to tell Rhodey to rest, to try again when he’s gotten some shut eye, but she can’t bring herself to it. Because as much as she wants to tell him to take a break, it’s in that very moment that Tony could be—

But Rhodey speaks again, and a lot calmer and composed, he promises he won’t stop looking. Pepper presses her hand to her chest as she clutches the phone to her ear. 

Three days later, he sends her a text. _Looking._

Three days after that, he sends another. _Not yet._

Nine days after those, after radio silence, she picks up her phone when it rings with his specific ringtone of notification. The message reads, _He asked about you._

She spends the remainder of the day with tears down her face and a smile that hurts her cheeks.

  
  


**XV.**

Pepper’s heart is pounding anxiously as she waits on the tarmac for Tony to appear. She isn’t surprised by the feeling of disbelief intertwined with faith. Until she sees him, even as she knows he’s behind the metal grates on that cargo plane, she won’t believe it. Sounds about right, with him being half deity and all. 

And then he’s before her and her eyes water and her smile seems determined to be blatantly present, to the point she has to bite it down. He stands before her, all the same, a bit skinnier since she’d last saw him. He sniffs, his eyes cool and scrutinizing, still big and telling. And she is so caught up on his person before her that she doesn’t know if she missed his change in captivity or if it didn’t leave a mark. 

“Hmm. Your eyes are red. Few tears for your long-lost boss?”

“Tears of joy. I hate job hunting.”

“Yeah, vacation’s over.” 

It’s subtle but she thinks she hears the difference this time around. 

But it’s when he’s addressing the reporters at the impromptu press conference that Pepper notices the change. He never got to say goodbye to his father, is what he tells everyone in the room, and the words he speaks regarding what he’d do if he was able to speak with him now, shows Pepper that the string around his neck has been cut. It catches her off guard, and when he makes his announcement, it’s clear the change is now open for everyone to see. 

  
  


**XVI.**

The few nights Pepper has worked past midnight, she hears Tony screaming in his bedroom. And each time he comes down the stairs and finds her sitting on the couch, he’s out of breath, eyes sunken and hands trembling against the railing, panicked. He swallows thickly the fourth night of the last two weeks at the sight of her. 

“I’m finishing up..for the Disney Concert Hall.” 

He nods and without a word, turns around and heads back up the stairs. He never makes it wherever it is he plans on going after a nightmare whenever she’s there. Pepper finishes her work and waits another hour before she goes, and during that time, Tony wakes up again and heads down to the shop without a word to her. That morning, when she comes back and asks JARVIS of his whereabouts, he tells her he’s been in the shop since she left. She carries on with her day as usual after she gives Tony his coffee. 

She has also noticed the liquor pantry is untouched from days at a time. She doesn’t know how to process that information. 

The week after, when he refuses to get any help of any sort when Pepper barely hints at it, it’s 2 in the morning when she closes the laptop and Tony’s screams make their way down the stairs. This time, she can’t stop herself from going to see him and finds him sitting in the middle of his bed with his bedsheets wrapped around his chest. His whimpers are soft and Pepper gives gentle knocks on the open door. It startles him either way. 

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” she says in a rush, “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Wide eyed and frightened, Tony calls for JARVIS to operate low lights. 

Biting the inside of her lips, she can see how she might’ve overstepped and contemplates leaving, but the sight roots her to the ground. He runs his hands through his hair, desperately. She can’t help the way she stares, her mind playing back his behavior since his return and how well he moves when the sun is high in the sky, how that’s just another mask to his collection. 

“I’m fine,” he says to her, his voice hard and hoarse. He unwraps the sheets from his chest, Pepper watching his path to the bathroom illuminated by the reactor.

He slams the door closed, startling her. 

The next morning, Tony makes sure Pepper’s work doesn’t run over time. She’s out of the mansion by 8pm every night. 

**XVII.**

It’s not that it’s better, but it’s certainly different. It’s almost back to normal. At least between them is business as usual. His exuberant and flippant behavior never ceases to make itself known, even if it has toned down tremendously. In that way, he is always Tony Stark. Without fail, it all feels like nothing has changed: he asks for her opinion and does the exact opposite of what she tells him, she gets accused of haranguing him about things that need his immediate attention, he tries to talk himself out of it while she completely ignores him because he needs to sign and approve and she can only do so much when he’s always in and out. Whether it is out of the door or figuratively, that’s another issue entirely. 

He drinks. And drinks. And builds and drinks. There are instances where he builds more than the latter, but the drinking is present. And he functions just fine. And he drinks. And she worries. And she watches. And some days he can go hours without anything but a wrench in his hand. And some days, he needs to spike up his coffee and everything in between. And every day, she replaces his coffee with food and water. 

“That’s not what I asked for,” he says distracted, focused on his work while DUM-E is being “completely useless, I’ll do it myself.” 

She sets the two water bottles and the tray of food beside the first aid kit. She doesn’t say anything and steps out of the door. 

When she returns, just like every other time, the bottles are empty and the food is gone. 

The dynamic lasts exactly two weeks and then Tony just stops drinking so excessively. Whatever he is working down in the shop has consumed and replaced all the calls for alcohol. Pepper doesn’t know if she should be consoled or bothered by it. 

Two days later, he makes a surprise appearance at the concert hall. 

And then they dance, something that is everything but, even if he claims it to be something that simple. 

And then she feels the air leaving her lungs, though her face is as composed as ever because Pepper Potts doesn’t waver under anyone unless she wants to. No one. Not even Tony Stark. 

And then, outside in the balcony, she’s leaning in to kiss him because she feels for the school girl who has to watch her crush pass by her locker every day. She watches her sigh dreamily each time he looks her way. Pepper wants to give her this, she deserves this, even as she knows that his nonchalance and sparkling eyes, his godly aura, is all a trap. Just like this one is as it draws her close without much effort on his part.

And then she closes the locker door and snaps the girl out of her reverie, telling her to wait. Not yet. If ever. 

And she’s so caught up in all that Tony is that all she can think about after the slam of the door is a drink. Yes. She would like a drink. She needs a drink. So engulfed in the suffocating moment she almost experienced, she thinks about her request to him after he’s gone. 

“Vodka? Really? You could’ve asked for some..sparkling water. God, Pepper that’s..that’s so insensitive,” she thinks out loud, shutting her eyes at her grumbles as her heart continues pounding in her chest. 

So there she waits. And waits. She waits until her feet hurt from standing idled for so long. Going back inside, she adjusts her face, wearing a mask of her own to hide the anger and pain that resides in her bloodstream. Trying to go unnoticed, she makes subtle haste to the bar. 

“Hi, can I get a vodka martini, please? Yes, dry. Very. Thank you. Three olives. Please. Thanks.”

She locks the locker and pushes a crying girl back to her classroom. 

As pleasantly unexpected as his entrance was, his departure deserves a standing ovation.

  
  


**XVIII.**

“You stood by my side all these years while I reaped the benefits of destruction, and now that I’m trying to protect the people that I put in harm’s way you’re going to walk out?” 

Maybe it is the loaded question, or maybe it is the horrifying truth of the outcome if he continues down this path that stops her from walking out. Because he knows. _This_ she knows he’s fully aware of and even then, she has to say it because maybe if he heard it, a silent plead for a miraculous wonder, he would reconsider his decision. 

“You’re going to kill yourself, Tony. I’m not going to be a part of it.” There it is. The irrefutable truth she’s been holding back for years that sprouted to life solely on all the different ways that this outcome closes in. 

It mocks her, dancing brashly with laughter around Tony’s need to fix everything at once, guilt increasing the volume of the music so that Truth, untouched as she’s ever been, goes around in circles in its need to ridicule while his lineage of deity is crouched on the ground, cowering in fear. 

Pepper sees it then, when he responds, the strings around his arms thinning. Solemn and sure, Tony speaks of his heart’s omniscience on what needs to be done, on what he has to do. It dawns on her as she continues to watch him, seeing all his masks on the ground, that being god-like has nothing to do with power and immortality when it comes to him. That’s not what powers his mysterious divinity. They’ve all failed to see that it has everything to do with his heart. It’s his _heart_. 

His heart. 

Exhaling in subtle resignation, and very proud of him all the same, she walks over to the table, steps on the mocking way the inescapable turn out of events continues to taunt her and grabs the lock chip. 

“You’re all I have too, you know.” Because if truth wants to dance, that’s fine but it’s going to be with her choice of music. 

A moment, and then she steps out. 

**XIX.**

She shouts for him but receives nothing in return. Her panic rises and her tears fall without permission and—for crying out loud, her heels—if there wasn’t glass everywhere, she’d take them off because time is of the essence and Tony isn’t answering. 

She shouts again. And again, and then she sees him, too still and eyes closed. Her legs give out at his side, her eyes blurring, her hands shaking and the glass that cuts through her knees going unnoticed. His reactor keeps flickering and at last, it stays lit.

But his eyes remain shut.

“Tony!” On that last cry, with what looks like great effort, his eyes begin to open slowly, blinking into focus as she continues to struggle to catch her breath. 

A soft groan escapes him, a witty remark about the building’s rebuilt and then he tries to sit up. Pepper is so taken back by his revival that she can’t turn her eyes away, her face probably a mess from all the crying and anxiety from the last few hours. In a slow and careful manner, he begins to stand, groaning with more remarks about booking a massage as soon as possible because his back isn’t taking this lightly. It is all going in an ear and out the other right now. She can’t focus on anything but the way he speaks so casually, fully standing before her and extending his hand to her as if _she’s_ the one that withstood the voltage of a thousand suns. 

All god-like, in that way he’s wont to behave, he pulls her to her feet and she thinks he’s talking again but it’s all muffled, so she nods, dumbly, still lost at the sight. 

“You heard me?”

She blinks at him, focusing on the cuts around his face as the air slowly returns to her lungs. 

“What?”

There’s a searching look in his eyes when he fixes them on hers, and she has to blink a few times to be fully in the room again. He seems to find what he’s looking for and then that lingering look he does so well takes over before he begins speaking again. 

“Knees. You’re bleeding,” he says as the very real touch of his metallic hand wraps around hers to help her better navigate her way over the damage. “Come on. Let’s get that taken care of.”

She almost yields to the laugh that bubbles in her chest but her shock and gratitude at the sight of the arc reactor as bright as she’s ever seen it doesn’t let her do much but follow, almost numbly.

**XX.**

The way he accurately points out all that secretly goes through her head as she’s helping him into his jacket tugs at the corner of her mouth. Of course he would get it down to the tee. Either way, she isn’t his girlfriend, so all those feelings will have to be predicted upon another poor soul that decides to endure all of this when the time comes. 

But Tony, bless his soul, decides to continue in his absurdities with a feeble attempt to drag her along with him.

“Tell me you don’t think about that night.”

“What night?” she asks, taking the handkerchief from the inside of his lapel.

“You know.”

And Pepper, being who she is and knowing that she is much better at this game than he is, decides to have her fun too. 

“You’re talking about the night we danced and went up to the roof,” her voice changes as she goes on, and surprisingly enough her mind doesn’t betray her when his eyes soften in that way that makes her question her entire existence at times, “and then..you went downstairs to get me a drink, and then you...left me there by myself? Is that the night you’re talking about?” 

Putting the fear of God—his ancestor?—in him makes her smirk never failing to be so oddly satisfying. 

With his confirmation of them being on the same page, she fixes the handkerchief and places it back in the lapel. 

“Will that be all, Mr. Stark?” she asks, to underline their mutual awareness that he is, in fact, in all his Great Tony Stark ways, a complete idiot. 

“Yes, that will be all, Ms. Potts.” 

Pepper stays behind to watch the statement through the screens in the office, where Christine Everhart pokes the bear that is full of untreated narcissism, and gleaming eyes that are proud of the recent things he’s done and accomplished. Pepper sees the strings from his arms completely fall off, right when the word “superhero” escapes his mouth. She can see how Tony believes, even if it’s just in that moment, that he is capable of more than what he has been taught to become solely on his pain. 

“Stick to the cards,” she mumbles to no one in the room, eyes glued to the screen. It seems like he’s going to but then he pauses. 

Pepper shuts her eyes with a small groan at the back of her throat because as unpredictable as he is, this one she sees coming from a mile away. To herself, she even justifies him doing it. 

In that moment, when all is revealed, the small grin tugging at the corner of his mouth floors her, as the last set of strings around his legs suddenly thin. For the first time in a long time, she witnesses Tony be proud of himself. No depreciation, no guilt.

It’s a message, she realizes, that goes hand in hand with what he knows, in his heart, has to be done. A sudden small gasp escapes from her lips as the Truth stands next to her, reserved this time around but always at the ready to be validated. And Pepper knows that her stay beside her will be permanent after this. 

**XXI.**

And permanent she becomes. She watches like Pepper once did, like she still does. 

Soon after, in the weight of trepidation, she decides to walk out to conserve what little sanity she has left because _my body physically cannot handle the stress_. And Tony accepts her decision with grace and understanding and releases her, only to pull her back in—quite literally—in a hold that speaks of never letting go. The school girl shrieks as she falls in the comfortability of it all. 

And the truth taunts time after time almost immediately after. Pepper mistakes her looming presence coming to collect everything from her when chaos and a fire so potent, so strong comes so suddenly. It happens when Tony promises no more surprises, and Pepper lets herself believe it for all of two seconds. Little did she know that word is as subjective as they come. Because then, there it is. Surprise. 

It is in the blink of an eye that it happens once he’s gone, so fast that all she sees is the remnants of ashes. She doesn’t sleep in days, thinking of the way her mother’s voice just cut off on the phone line. That’s when she knew it wasn’t just Tony on the line for validation. 

But he makes his way back to her, how Tony Stark of him. Pepper soon realizes that as he stands before her, he’s not entirely present. For things he loves are either dead or not his anymore. 

**XXII.**

The dust settles. They promise to be each other’s with vows that will be broken only by death, broken by something Pepper knows the truth is waiting to claim her own way. Nothing more, nothing less. 

She doesn’t return when Tony locks everything up in the garage _for good this time. It’s over. The big bad came and we lost. It’s over._

And then, a monumental discovery invites her back in. How poetic, because time is all she needed to return. This time, Pepper makes room for her on the couch, the three of them sitting like a team, like the broken musketeers they’ve been since Pepper could remember. Her claim to her validation is back on high demand the moment Pepper gives them both, her and Tony, the deciding vote. 

Weeks later, the denouement settles immediately after the climax. And Pepper gains and everyone gains, and the entire universe gains. And she watches while she’s standing by his side in what turns out to be their last dance that the confession which changed the world in the palm of his hand resurfaces in her memory. She realizes, amidst one newly united front, that the real message were the words spoken down in the shop. _Unless it was for a reason_ and _I know in my_ heart _that it’s right._ His heart. Always ready. It is in his final act of defiance against who he was, dead long ago, that the very core of his deity maxes out without second thought; god-like in all his humanity, in all his Tony Stark ways, he reigns. 

The years of trepidation come to a close for her in a wreckage of blood and an abundance of phoenixes surrounding them, strings long gone, and a legacy he rebuilt with her that will now survive him.

There, on the ground with their enemies’ ashes beneath them, with his purpose fulfilled, she watches vital parts of who he is—parts that will hold who he became, who he always was, the highest in the skies—kneel before him. Broken by the gains of the conquest that in turn forces them to lose their knight in shining gold and red nickel-titanium alloy, they know that the truth has finally come to claim its validation. There, at the sight, Pepper breathes him in. There, a touch, a knowing look and warm grin. A flicker and then darkness. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Dear Wormwood by The Oh Hellos is more of Tony’s POV if you want one. It can capture this story well too, in my opinion. Listen to it, cry, do what you must. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, always. 
> 
> Now, for goodness sake, go be happy.


End file.
